Between The Trees

Happy Birthday Lydia Ruth!

2011-06-22T09:06:00.000-05:00

After a terrible night and next morning, we decided to do a c-section. Lydia was born at 1:48pm on June 22, 2010.

The sound of her first cry was beautiful. Andy was weeping. I shed tears (although not as many as I would have, had I not been so, so drugged up.) I got to kiss my sweet baby and calm her crying before being taken into recovery. I was then unable to see Lydia until early Wednesday evening. That was incredibly hard. Andy, did however, get to spend a lot of time with her that first 24 hours (which I am very thankful for). When I was finally able to sit up and get into a wheel chair, I was taken down to hold my little girl for the very first time. It was beautiful.

It is unbelievable how fast babies grow in the first year. Lydia is now so full of personality and spunk. She makes us laugh everyday. She is such a joy I cannot fully express what it means to be her mother; I am so blessed and honored to have her in my life. So today I wish my sweet girl a very happy birthday and look forward to all the years we have together! Happy Birthday Lydia Ruth!

The Longest Day of Last Year

2011-06-21T19:49:00.003-05:00

My sweet baby turns 1 year old tomorrow! I cannot even believe it! Wow, that just may be the fastest year of my life so far. Thinking about Lydia turning one, can only remind me of the events leading up to her birth... the longest day of last year. Here is just a little recap of the turn of events for all or any that care to read on.

I had my standard weekly appointment on Friday. The doc was a little concerned about some of the protein counts and had me go to the hospital for more blood tests. I also had to take a 24-hour urine sample (gross right?!). So I did the sample on Saturday, the lab was closed Sunday, and I took it in Monday morning before work.

That day at work, I felt just terrible. I don't remember a lot, except that I did go home early and take a really long nap. Shortly after waking up, we got a call asking us to "come in for more tests." "Don't pack a bag," she said. I did anyway.

We got to the hospital and the nurses were like, "We have been waiting for you." We were whisked off to "my room," and I was told to put my clothes in a bag, get on a gown, and lie in bed. By the time we realized what was happening, well, we realized what was happening.

I won't go into all the yucky details of what followed during the next 12-16 hours. It included lots of feeling terrible and lots of wanting the child to be out of me as soon as possible. This was all without even having any contractions, labor pains, etc. It had turned out that my protein counts were in the 6000's. They said they get worried when they are in the 300's. Needless to say, there was no option to waiting a few more weeks. Lydia was coming 4 1/2 weeks early.

To be continued...

Creeping Charlie

2011-06-19T20:09:00.003-05:00

So I was thinking the other day about weeds. Yep, weeds.

Lydia and I go for a walk, nay, multiple walks everyday. I usually find myself getting lost in nature; looking at the various trees, flowers, and even the weeds. Now some of those weeds actually look like flowers. Creeping charlie, for example- those little purple flower are actually quite attractive. Maybe they are the charlie part, and the creeping part is the part that takes over your yard and kills all your grass, and your neighbor's grass, and their neighbor's grass.

Anyway, I was thinking about how pretty some of the flowered weeds are. I mean, from the time we are young most of us are attracted to weeds. How many of us gave our moms bouquets of dandelions on numerous occasions? And then when they turned, you can bet your bottom dollar all the kids were out blowing the little fuzzies off those things. Little did we know we were just spreading more weeds.

So yeah weeds. Their a lot like sin. Sometimes its really attractive and we get tied up in the beauty of it all. Before we know it, the sin is spreading like those little fuzzies; all-over-the place. Still there are those pretty flowers; and sometimes I wonder if those flowers are less like sin and more like redemption. That even in the weeds God is showing us a small taste of who He is. Even in the weeds He shows up, places a little purple flower, and says, "See even in this, I am redeeming. Even in this."

So Good

2011-06-10T18:50:00.001-05:00

Beautiful Things

Gungor

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make me new, You are making me new

Jesus Made Mud

2011-04-02T10:08:00.002-05:00

The gospel reading for this week is John 9:1-41. After reading it multiple times this week, I am incredibly struck by the reality of this story. Jesus tells a man, born blind, to go wash in the pool and be healed. Picking it up in verse 10,

But they kept asking him, "Then how were your eyes opened?"

9:11 He answered, "The man called Jesus made mud, spread it on my eyes, and said to me, 'Go to Siloam and wash.' Then I went and washed and received my sight."

Just like that. The man washed and received his sight. Can you imagine what it would be like to see life for the first time? Your own hands; the water washing over them. Suddenly you are open to the entire world. Experiencing everything new.

No one believed that he had actually been blind from birth. They called his parents in and they acknowledged the man was their son and that he had been born blind. The Jews were still in disbelief. They continued to ask the man what had happened.

9:24 So for the second time they called the man who had been blind, and they said to him, "Give glory to God! We know that this man is a sinner."

9:25 He answered, "I do not know whether he is a sinner. One thing I do know, that though I was blind, now I see."

The only thing the formally blind man knows for sure is that he was once blind, and now he sees. After the unbelievers are driven out, Jesus approaches the man again.

9:35 Jesus heard that they had driven him out, and when he found him, he said, "Do you believe in the Son of Man?"

9:36 He answered, "And who is he, sir? Tell me, so that I may believe in him."

9:37 Jesus said to him, "You have seen him, and the one speaking with you is he."

9:38 He said, "Lord, I believe." And he worshiped him.

I wonder what it was like to see Jesus for the very first time; having never seen anything at all. I wonder how I would have reacted had I been one of the Jews seeing this miracle take place.

As we see Jesus in our everyday lives, I hope we would be reminded of our past blindness and the blindness that may still exist. Lord, I pray you open my eyes. For I know that once I was blind, and now I see.

A little doting...

2011-03-25T20:35:00.003-05:00

It's been quite the last couple of months. We started off the year with Lydia's first ear infection. Andy went on to get a cold, another cold, and then pneumonia. Then, last week, I went in for an appendectomy! Needless to say we are glad that we have good health insurance.

Amongst the craziness of being sick and getting healthy again, I have really treasured my sweet little girl. Truly, I didn't realize how much I missed the little things until I had to spend an overnight in the hospital and then not lift her for a whole week. Lydia has such a great personality. She is happy almost all the time, grinning from ear to ear, and laughing at the antics of her mama and daddy. We will do almost ANYTHING to make her laugh.

It is so fun to watch her explore her world. She is so observant; takes everything and everyone in. You can just see the wheels spinning in her head, trying to figure things out. When she plays with toys she usually picks one up, looks at it, turns it around a couple times, and then it goes straight into the mouth for a little tasteful exploration.

I also love meal and snack time. Lydia has now mastered the pincer grip and actually prefers it to me putting finger foods in her mouth for her. And she loves her sippy cup. I love watching her drink from a sippy cup; so grown-up. :)

I could go on and on, but this will suffice for now. My sweet Lydia is growing and learning so quickly. I am so in love with her and can't get enough!

That Time of Year

2010-12-06T10:55:00.004-06:00

It's that time of year again. Every grocery store and mall has them. Heck, I've even been one of them. It's that time of year again. It's bell-ringer season.

Does anyone else try to avoid eye contact and hurry into the store without having to interact with these saints of people? Do you try to pretend you are absolutely freezing and bury your face into your scarf so you can just get past them? Do you talk to your children and make them a false distraction? Do you just plain pretend they don't exist?

I am definitely guilty of doing most, if not all of these things. And I don't know why. The other day I pulled into the grocery store parking lot and thought, "Oh I'm just going to dig some change out of the console so I don't feel so bad walking past this poor man who I swear has been ringing this bell straight for the last oh, 10 days." I was stopped from digging out my nickels with this thought, "You know what? I am not going to give money out of guilt. I'm just not." It ended there. I did manage to ask the man on the way out if he was staying warm, like that really mattered.

So what is the answer? Even if I don't give money, is it still appropriate to strike up a short conversation with these faithful servants of the Salvation Army? Should I bring them a cup of coffee or hot cocoa? Should I just continue to walk past them and give the standard, "Sorry I don't have any change. ?"

When do we give and how do we give and what do we give? Any thoughts?

Good to the Last Drop?

2010-11-03T10:37:00.003-05:00

Anyone else out there never completely finish their cup of coffee? Almost never do I drink every last bit of coffee in my cup. I attribute it mostly to the fact that by the time I get towards the bottom, the beverage is already to cool for my liking. ALSO, I hate it when I am at a restaurant drinking coffee and they keep filling my cup. I drink like two sips and they are already coming around for a warm up. One would think I would enjoy this, but after two sips, who is ready for a warm up? Not me. In a perfect world, the waitress would know at the precisely correct moment when my coffee has become too cool for consumption, thus giving me the much needed warm up. Of course I know that this perfect world will never exist, though I think Starbucks could make a valiant attempt at such a system. Thoughts anyone?

Ready or Not, Westmont here we come.

2010-10-21T13:08:00.005-05:00

I finally feel like I am in a place where I can read something intelligent (I thought that day might never come again). I decided to start reading Frost and Hirsch's, Shaping of Things to Come. The sub-title is "innovation and mission for the 21st-century church." The line that I just read was something to the effect of "we don't want to provide another model for church, but rather a mode." I must say that I agree with what they are saying thus far. Churches can't all look the same. They have to be shaped by the cultural context of which they are a part. This has got me wondering, what on Earth is the cultural context of Westmont? We have only been a part of this community since the end of June (and I probably feel like less of a part just because I have been consumed by trying to figure out what the heck it means to be a mommy). But I have really started to wonder what our church will look like, in light of the Gospel and our cultural context. The group of us that are down here is somewhat homogeneous. A lot of us like art and coffee, are parents of young children, care about the environment (in varying degrees), love Jesus, and want to meet our community members where they are at instead of making them come to us. But do the people in Westmont like art and coffee? I know there are a lot of parents with young children, so that must be an interest of some sort :) A lot of people recycle. Ha. These are clearly just a few of the surface observations that I have made thus far. I know we are here for a purpose and that God has called us here for this specific season of our lives. I just don't quite know what that looks like yet. But I am okay with it. I know God will show us in His perfect time. Reading on to see just what else I can learn!!!

Victory!!! For today :)

2010-09-17T16:31:00.004-05:00

Lydia is sleeping in her own crib during nap time and I couldn't be happier. I may have found the trick that helps her to do so; albeit after an hour of sleeping with me in the rocker. Not once, but twice today I have put her down in the crib, nestled in her Boppy and she has loved it. She slept for an hour during her morning nap and is just passing an hour now on her afternoon nap. For those of you who know, I have been trying to figure out how to get her to sleep in there during the day for quite some time. It might be only today, but hopefully it is a little trick that might ease her into sleeping better during the day. Ha. Life has changed from a year ago; that is for certain. I never thought I would be finding so much joy in the little tricks of motherhood. I also must add that I have really been cherishing the times I do have to rock her and snuggle her up. Soon enough she will be running around and probably won't sit still to snuggle very often. What a sweet little girl I have. Oh I love her so much!

New Normal

2010-09-10T19:22:00.002-05:00

Lately I've found that when other people around me are having conversations, and those conversations don't have to do with something baby, I don't have much to add. Not only don't I have much to add, I sort of space out into my own little "mommy world." It's weird how being with a little human 24/7 sort of makes you forget about a lot of other things going on outside of our four walls. I've heard this is pretty common and that after about a year I will be "back to normal." Whatever that means. I'm pretty sure as of now I have acquired a new normal. More on this later.... Lydia is crying.

Things I Don't Want to Forget

2010-07-29T15:42:00.003-05:00

So for the past month i have had a running tally of things in my head that I don't want to forget. My sweet girl is only so little for so little and I have to write these things down before they are gone from my memory forever :) (which could happen sooner than you think) So, in no particular order, here are a few things that have been mulling around in my head when I think about my Lydia.

- The way she hates to be woken up. She is a grunter in general, but when she is woken up before she wants to be, there is a fit of grunting that one would never think could come out of such a tiny human being.

- The grunting. Although it doesn't really seem all that amusing when we are trying to sleep at night, during the day it is so stinking cute.

- Crying. Rarely does she cry, but when she does, it is so sad and adorable all at the same time. When she really gets going (again rarely), her wide open mouth shows her tiny little gums and that wailing can be heard for miles. So sad, but oh so precious.

- I must document this.... currently she is sleeping and making little wimpering sounds. Adorable.

- I love when she is eating and she makes noises like it is the most nourishing and pleasurable thing in the world (which it probably is). She eats and swallows and makes noises like one would make when he or she gets am ice cold glass of water on a hot day. Oh so refreshing.

- She has a face that likens to that of Popeye. One eye closed and round little cheeks :)

- Stretching. Always she is stretching. Usually she has kicked out of her swaddle by the time she wakes up. I have to be creative if I want her to stay swaddled until her next middle of the night feeding.

- When she is awake, she is wide-eyed in wonder; alway taking in her surroundings.

- I love when she looks at my eyes. She just stares and stares. Oh she has completely captured my heart.

- She loves her daddy. Andy is so good with her and she loves spending time with him.

I am sure the list will go on and on. But for now, these are a few things I don't want to forget.

A Month Already!!!

2010-07-22T14:55:00.004-05:00

My baby girl is one month old today! Consequently, her due date is tomorrow. Funny how we plan things that never turn out the just how we think they should. A week or so ago I was looking at my "list of things to do before baby comes." Ha. Life has a way of surprising us.
At this moment, my sweet girl is rest closely against me (with the help of the wonderful Moby carrier). I can feel every breath she takes and hear every little squeek. It is hard to believe that a month ago yesterday Andy and I were called into the hospital to have "more tests taken," which really meant, "We're going to try to induce you and get this baby out!" Looking back, Lydia and I were in a dangerous spot. My protein levels were through the roof as well as my blood pressure being too high for comfort. They told us I would have a c-section and although I had originally planned to have a natural birth, at this point it was not an option. I recall being so relieved that she would finally be here and that this dangerous part would be over very soon.
I don't remember much about all that happened in that 24- hour period, but I do remember hearing my baby cry for the first time. Those wails were music to my ears. I remember looking into Andy's eyes, both of us crying, and listening to our sweet little girl. I remember seeing her, fresh out of the womb, all bundled up and though not able to hold her, able to kiss her head and tell her I loved her, in person, for the very first time. After being away from her for an entire day, recovering from being various drugs, etc. I was able to finally sit up in a wheel chair and be taken to hold Lydia for the first time. A moment without words is all that can describe what it is like to have your first child put in your arms. A child that you have been dreaming of for so long, just wondering what she will look like, smell like, be like. And then she is here; just like that. It was amazing to meet the beautiful little girl God had created.
Over the next few days I would continue to recover and Lydia continued to grow stronger and stronger. We spent most of our time in the Special Care Nursery, holding and caring for our little girl. She passed all of her tests and was able to go home after just five days in the hospital.
We came into the hospital on a Monday evening and left on a Saturday evening. I remember finally laying down in bed on Saturday, being pretty much terrified of how to do anything. This baby was under our full care now, no nurses or doctors to help us along. Lydia slept well that night; going three hours between feedings. A good start to her first month of life in our new home.

Bloggable

2010-06-12T14:00:00.000-05:00

It's not like I don't have anything to say, that I don't think about anything. It's just that I keep forgetting every time I think of something I should blog about. I think it has something (well almost everything) to do with being pregnant. I have a thought one moment and then the next it is completely gone; like it didn't even exist. Often I am driving to work and see something or think, "oh yeah, i should write a blog about that." Then, by the time I get home, a million and a half other thoughts have gone in and out of my consciousness and I no longer have a bloggable topic; I have mush head. So today, "here's to having a mush head."

And, as a further thought... if you would like to know, my baby now urinates about a pint a day. Fun factoid of the week.

Reflective

2010-05-06T20:33:00.003-05:00

Often when I am home without Andy for the night, I get a mode (or mood) of reflection. I usually find myself thinking about the past, and looking toward the future. Tonight I watched a dvd that my students created for me when I left the church in California. It was crazy to see just how young I looked only a few years ago. I can't believe that it has already been 3 years since I was living out there. As I watched the video, I found myself so thankful for the time I did have and for everything that I learned. Also, I find myself so thankful for where I am now. I have an amazing husband who loves me more than I even understand, a great community, a baby girl on the way, and the hope of living some version of my dream of what community in Christ can really look like. I remember back on the days of Riverview Church with fondness, but look forward to the journey we find ourselves on now.

Every Blade of Grass

2010-04-18T10:19:00.003-05:00

Andy and I spent this weekend at Wheaton's annual theology conference. We have gone to various sessions in the past but decided that this weekend would be one worth investing in. The title of the conference was, "Jesus, Paul and the People of God; A Theological Dialogue with N.T. Wright." For those of you that know my husband at all, you will know that he might have a little bit of a man crush on Bishop Wright (not to mention he really likes his theology). Knowing this myself, and hearing little bits and pieces about this theology of Jesus, Paul and the kingdom of God, I endeavored to read Wright's Surprised by Hope. Although I didn't get completely through the book before the conference, I was glad for what I had read and it helped in deciphering some of the lingo that was used over the past two days. As I listened to different speakers, and as I reflect on it now, I am beginning to like more of what I hear from Wright. However, upon opening my Bible this morning I realized that I may be going through a huge shift in all I have ever known.
I am realizing that the way I read Scripture is probably going to change. I no longer want to read it, seeking to understand only what I can glean for practical purposes today. The Word is so much more than that. It is a specific text, written for a specific people, with a specific purpose. I want to understand more of what that purpose was. Now, I am not saying that we can't take away anything from the text for practicality today, just that it isn't the whole point. Scripture is so much bigger than I ever understood it to be.
The same applies for how I view Jesus. I have thought about Jesus and have understood him to an extent. However, I am beginning to see that Jesus is so much more than who I have boxed him in to be. A truly historical Jesus is most likely nothing like the man that I have pictured in my own head. He is someone far better.
And then there is the view of the kingdom. I am only just begin to grasp what it means to talk about the kingdom of God; to understand what it means to talk about the kingdom being here now and to understand what it means to say that creation is being redeemed slowly, over time. I do know that creation is groaning out, crying because it knows things are not as they should be. One day, God's glory will consume the earth. Every blade of grass, every wave, every rock will radiate with the glory of the Lord. As I seek to understand more fully all of these things, I cling to the hope of God's glory, to the hope of redemption.

Two Things

2010-04-10T12:05:00.003-05:00

Most days, my mind is consumed by one of two things: our baby and finding a job for Andy. For those of you who don't know, we have decided to pursue a path of bi-vocational ministry in a church in Westmont, IL. We find ourselves in a place of believing that our church's funds can be better used to share the love of Jesus with each other and the community around us, than by paying full-time pastors. This has left us with the task of finding a job for Andy that is not a full-time pastorate position (as we had originally planned at the beginning of seminary). We have found this task to be draining and quite defeating. Although we have only been searching for a couple of months, it seems like an eternity. With thousands of people out of work, it has proved to be almost impossible to get a job. We understand and trust that the God of the universe knows our needs and intends to fill them the way He sees fit, but my belly isn't getting any smaller and soon we will have to care for another little family member. We earnestly covet your prayers as we seek to remain faithful to the calling we have received.

Andrew James

2010-03-16T20:52:00.003-05:00

I love my husband. He makes me smile (even in the morning) and makes me laugh when no one else can. He reaches into the depths of who I am and encourages me to be just that, who I am. He is gentle and kind, always seeking to love me rightly. Even when we argue, I see how much he loves me. He is my mirror, telling me I'm beautiful and loving every part of me. I can already tell what a good daddy he will be to our little girl. It makes me cry just thinking of how wonderful he will be at being a father. I don't have to worry about our baby girl not feeling loved or valued by daddy, because he already cherishes and loves her so much. It is truly hard to put in correct verbiage, just what Andy means to me or how we have grown in our love for one another. I know one thing; every day I fall deeper and harder for this man. My life is forever changed because of who he is and who we are together. I love him with all of my heart.

Outie or Innie

2010-02-27T14:00:00.001-06:00

The other morning I was standing in front of the mirror and it occurred to me that quite potentially, as I become more pregnant, my innie might eventually become an outie (I am speaking about belly buttons of course). I've always liked having an innie and it really is sort of a shock to think about having an outie. Then the question becomes, will my new found outie go back to being an innie after I give birth? AND, what happens to a woman who already has an outie? Does it just go more out? All of these questions I am asking and so I have taken it upon myself to google this very topic. Here are my findings:

"The belly button is the scar of the connection of the umbilical cord. The deepest part of the belly button is tethered to the abdominal wall fascia. The shape of the belly button is from the overlying fat and skin with the deep attachment holding the typical "innie" shape. With the distension of the belly of pregnancy, the abdominal wall pushes out. This can change the shape of the belly button, for some more shallow and for others, "pop out." "In a distended stomach, the belly button expands. The belly button diameter is bigger. Belly button thicker walls become thinner. The umbilicus central depressed area spreads out. It is distorted like a feature of a balloon during inflation. For most pregnant belly buttons, this is a temporary situation that reverses after delivery. If the skin shrinks back to normal, the belly button typically reverts. For a small number of women, a weak deep belly button attachment can loosen leaving an "outie" after pregnancy." (taken from plasticsurgery4u.com)

Loud Noises

2010-02-24T15:50:00.003-06:00

Being pregnant has made be ultra-sensitive to noise. Anything too loud and I absolutely freak out. Honestly, I can't tell you how many times I have been at work and had to grip the end of my desk in an effort not to fly off the handle about a person talking or even (if you can imagine) stapling too loudly. Then at home, I am constantly turning the television and/or music down. It has really become somewhat of a controlling thing. I wonder if this is a normal pregnancy experience or if it is manifesting itself in me alone. Strange, very strange.

I'm Not Saying It

2010-02-22T14:44:00.003-06:00

It's hard to count how many times I have thought or said, "I really need to blog more," and then never followed through. This time, I won't say it. I most definitely will not say I need to do more blogging or writing, or whatever it is people do these days to process through the in's and out's of everyday life. Maybe all I need is a little reverse psychology to get myself in gear; not that I am saying I need to gear up for anything.

In Process

2009-11-18T17:00:00.001-06:00

We are in process. Always we are in process. Of course the logical transition from that statement would be to talk about sanctification. The whole “already but not yet” deal. But that’s not really what I am talking about. Although it could be. J
It seems as though for the last 4 years of my life I have been in this transition phase; never really knowing exactly what was happening next or where my feet would take me. I went from college to California, then moved back across the country to Illinois, got engaged, moved/got married, changed jobs and moved again.
Still we continue (we being my husband and I) to be in that transition phase, that process. We are looking for the next step: where do we go to church now, where will we be after graduation, so on and so forth. Parts of this are draining, but most of it is really, really fun. We have “the world at our finger-tips” so to speak. I love where we are at in life and I love being in transition. There is a sort of excitement in not knowing what we will be doing in 6 months or a year.
I guess that could really be said for all of life. We really don’t know where we will be in 6 minutes or in 6 hours or in 6 years. Some people freak out about this type of thing. I am learning that I really am okay with being in process. Not just okay, but actually sort of loving it. ;)

Between the Trees

2009-09-21T21:20:00.003-05:00

I heard a mini-sermon recently that has gotten me thinking about living between the trees. What trees am I referring to? You see, in the garden of Eden there was a tree. In the book of revelation there is a tree. We find ourselves sitting in the middle of these trees; waiting, hoping, dreaming, and living. We soak up knowledge and good and evil and all things in between (some we see and some remain unknown in the depths of our beings). Each day we make choices among the trees. We choose to live one way or another, doing one thing or another.
Slowly (and I mean slowly) I am learning what it means to find God in the everyday, in the somewhat mundane tasks of life. I aspire to take more time to sit; to listen; to experience God in everything and everyone around me. I heard a quote from the Talmud saying that every single blade of grass has its own angel clinging to it, whispering, "Grow, grow." Whether or not that is true, it is something to think about. God cares about each blade of grass, each gigantic Redwood tree, each cup of coffee, each person... the list goes on and on. My thoughts are somewhat scattered, but hopefully you catch what I am trying to say.
If you will, walk with me as I journey. Walk with me between the trees.

Absolution

2009-05-13T11:42:00.002-05:00

For the past several days I have been really frustrated with myself. I have been feeling sinful; to put it bluntly. I have been acutely aware of the fact that I have had a terrible habit of speaking and then thinking. Last night, I confessed those things to my husband and a sacred thing happened; I received absolution. He looked me in the eyes and said, "Your sins are forgiven," and I felt at peace. Until recently I have never even really considered the necessity of absolution. But last night, I understood. Sometimes it just helps to hear you are forgiven from someone who genuinely means it. Not that redemption comes from that person or even that they have to be the one from whom forgiveness is sought; just that they let me know I am forgiven and I can live in that forgiveness. I cannot accurately express in words just what happened, but it was sacred and it was real.

All The Hype

2009-05-11T15:26:00.002-05:00

I'm not going to lie; my heart lept a little bit inside when I received an email confirming that the book I reserved at the good ol' Gail Borden Library was in. The book, I must add, is Eclipse, by Stephenie Meyers. :) Don't hate me for my compulsiveness toward "all the hype." But really, I read the first book and loved it. The movie was overrated, the book was great.

Profession vs. Belief

2009-04-18T13:10:00.002-05:00

Last night, Andy and I went with some friends of ours to see Dallas Willard speak at Wheaton College. For any of you that know Willard's works, he is a man of great intelligence. As he spoke last night, I (as were my friends) was struck by the fact that he didn't really say anything I hadn't heard before. He did, however, say "it" in a way I hadn't heard before. One of the things he talked about was the difference between profession and belief. Profession meaning, anyone can say anything and not truly believe it. Belief means, acting on what you think is truth. So, to act on my belief is different than simply professing that I believe. Easier said than done right?

Thinking

2009-03-16T14:41:00.003-05:00

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately; and I mean a lot of thinking. It seems as though the last month or so, my brain is filled with introspective thoughts, complaints, questions, answers, and the like. Recently I have been really challenged in giving up what would normally be my "alone" time and/or my time alone with my husband in order that we might grow in deeper relationship with those around us. Overall, it has been a good experience but last night, it really got the best of me. I got so frustrated with the fact that I knew I wouldn't be able to spend any time (really just less time than I thought was ideal) with my husband for the next week because he has a crazy busy schedule. Then I was angry that we had spent all this time with all these different people and hadn't taken as much time for each other. I completely negated the enjoyable conversion, the laughter, and the further building of relationships that my husband and I had experienced. I also realized that I have been trying to give of my/our time on my own strength and out of my own volition. The result is anger towards my spouse, others, and mostly myself. What is the lesson? I must continue to trust in our Father who is all sufficient to supply all of my needs. He ALONE can fill those times where I am feeling neglected or lonely and also those times that I am feeling too overwhelmed or drained and just want to be alone.

Grandma

2009-02-14T09:23:00.002-06:00

Sometimes I can barely believe it has been a whole year since my grandmother passed away. I have been thinking about her a lot this week, and today, on the one year memory of her death, I want to honor her. I want to be fearless like she was; never giving up and never letting down. I want to love like she did; selflessly and without hinderance. I want to smile like she did; with all the joy and happiness of someone that loves life. For today, I want to honor her. For the rest of life, I want to be like her. To my grandmother, I love you and I will never forget.

the Trumpet Child

2009-02-10T21:04:00.000-06:00

the Trumpet Child
over the rhine

The trumpet child will blow his horn
Will blast the sky till it’s reborn
With Gabriel’s power and Satchmo’s grace
He will surprise the human race

The trumpet he will use to blow
Is being fashioned out of fire
The mouthpiece is a glowing coal
The bell a burst of wild desire

The trumpet child will riff on love
Thelonious notes from up above
He’ll improvise a kingdom come
Accompanied by a different drum

The trumpet child will banquet here
Until the lost are truly found
A thousand days, a thousand years
Nobody knows for sure how long

The rich forget about their gold
The meek and mild are strangely bold
A lion lies beside a lamb
And licks a murderer’s outstretched hand

The trumpet child will lift a glass
His bride now leaning in at last
His final aim to fill with joy
The earth that man all but destroyed

Learn to Love

2009-01-24T15:15:00.000-06:00

I realized last night that life is too short. You are probably thinking, "Wow Jamie, you are a genius." But truly, I think that I came to a turning point in my life. I realized that life is just too short to spend it worrying about petty things. Now I, for one, will be the first person to tell you that those small, petty things usually seem like THE biggest issues in the world. Being too busy, too lazy, too pretty, not pretty enough, being successful or being a failure; the list could go on and on. But our lives are just too short. I need to be concerned with being a good wife, serving my husband and encouraging him to be a man of God. I need to be concerned with the poor; feeding orphans and widows. I need to be concerned with love. Lord, give me the grace to see people and hearts through your eyes and not my own. Help me to learn to love.

Not Another Tally Mark

2009-01-14T10:48:00.000-06:00

It has been 5 days since I returned from Jamaica. For those of you who weren't aware, from Jan 2-9 I was in Jamaica with my mother and sister-in-law, aunt, and cousin, to work in an orphanage. Like I said, it has been 5 days since I returned and often I am wondering what to do with this experience. Where do I put it? I cannot bring myself to chalk this up as "a good learning experience" or as just one more trip to help those in need; there must be something more, some other reason.
I find myself thinking about the orphans; about what they are doing during the day, questioning if they experienced love from anyone today, and about how much I would love to rescue each one of them from their own personal hell on earth.
What do I do with what I have seen, heard, felt? What do I do with what I have not felt?
Continually, I will wrestle these thoughts, tossing and turning them, hoping that God will show me something; something about loving those orphans.

Ramblings

2008-12-12T11:00:00.000-06:00

It seems as though my writing creativity has come to a screeching halt. Not that I fancy myself a super good writer or anything, but I do usually find my creativity helping me along. I don't know if it is the lack of things to write about or my lack of wanting to stretch my creative muscles (how's that for a cheesy analogy) or what it is. Maybe I just need to be writing more in general. Hmmm....

Currently I am listening the Chris Rice's Living Room Sessions, Christmas album. It is pretty much phenom. If I had to listen to one Christmas album for the rest of my life, I think it would be this particular album.

I am going to my first official staff meeting at my new job today; it should be interesting. There has been a lot of weird tension in the office... a couple of people have been let go and a few people are not happy about it. I have the fortunate perspective of being the new person! Although I do care very much about what is happening in and around the office, I have no real personal connections to any of the hooplah that has been taking place as far as conflict has been concerned. I love that about being the new person. For one tiny section of my new job, I can feel like I have the advantage on something. Hehe. I love it.

That is about all for now.

Oh, have you read Twilight yet? It is my recent obsession :)

Let It Snow

2008-12-02T14:00:00.000-06:00

Give me about 3 months and I am sure I will regret this blog, but for the time being, I will procede. Finally, after a November of hot/cold, hot/cold weather, December rang in with a pile of snow! There is something new and exciting about the white blanket that now covers our landscape. I don't know if it brings me back to the days of building forts and having snow ball fights, or what praytell it is, but there is something about it that makes me happy. The bright white reflects off of everything, giving our world a whole new look. It's sort of like the next great fashion trend; it never looks quite like anything else, it has some alluring appeal, yet you aren't quite sure whether to love it or hate it. Right now, I love it. Bring on the snow! I love that white, fluffy, cold stuff! I'm dreaming of a white Christmas!

Another Circus Act

2008-10-26T19:04:00.000-05:00

Constantly in the last week I have been reminded about what a circus life can be... both good and bad. Upon waking up with a headache and feeling exhausted, my husband and I got ready and headed to church for the weekly prayer group that takes place before service starts. We walked in, clinging only to the hope that the coffee in our to-go mugs would bring some sort of life to our tired existence. As we sat down, we were bombarded with the loud speaking voices of three of our beloved church family members Curt, Charlie, and Dennis. These three men are all developmentally disabled and have the biggest hearts in the world. They are at church every Sunday to pray and then to serve. This being said, they are also loud. As we listened to them go back and forth with their banter, we looked at each other and said, "what a circus." As nuts as it was, Andy reminded me that it was really fitting, because it really our church; the Church. We are all just a bunch of people walking through this often times circus-like life. Life without the Curt's and Charlie's and Dennis' of the world would be boring and uneventful. In this circus of of life, I am thankful for the different acts that perform in front of my very eyes every day. They teach me not to take myself too seriously. Sometimes, you need to take it all in; to stop and enjoy the circus.

The Next Best Thing

2008-10-22T15:48:00.000-05:00

So I started reading this book called Cold Tangerines. The general premise is that so often in our looking forward to the next part of life, we miss out on what's happening right now. I was talking to my mom about that idea today and she said that when she turned 50 she had this whole year process of realizing and understanding that life goes too fast to not enjoy each day for what it is. So here is what I am trying to do: enjoy today. It isn't always easy. I want to get a new job. I want to travel and do fun things. I want it to be Christmas. But right now I don't have a new job, and we don't have time or money to travel, and it isn't Christmas. It is the end of October. The leaves are beautiful. It is that time in the Midwest that always reminds me of when I first started college. I remember walking out my dorm exit and smelling the air; taking in the crisp senses of a fall day. This is where I am right now. Truth be told; I do love this time of year. So I guess, for today, I love today.

The Eye Of The Beholder

2008-10-15T16:52:00.000-05:00

So often I find myself wanting to shy away from the cliche's in life; wanting to break free of the things people say that one never quite knows what the words mean. But usually, in my breaking free, I find myself coming back to those phrases and the realities (timeless truths if you will) that they have preserved. This being said, as I begin this new 21st century blogging journey, I expect that often I will end up right back in the 20th century and before, finding truth in the things people have said far before I could even think to find truth in them. It really is the eye of the beholder; beauty and truth and redemption (the list goes on). It is all in how we choose to look at, how we choose to perceive life. Whether what each perceives to be true is really truth, I'm not going to judge. But I do know that it is all in how one sees it. The consequential blogs to follow are just that, the eye through which I behold.