In Process

We are in process. Always we are in process. Of course the logical transition from that statement would be to talk about sanctification. The whole “already but not yet” deal. But that’s not really what I am talking about. Although it could be. J
It seems as though for the last 4 years of my life I have been in this transition phase; never really knowing exactly what was happening next or where my feet would take me. I went from college to California, then moved back across the country to Illinois, got engaged, moved/got married, changed jobs and moved again.
Still we continue (we being my husband and I) to be in that transition phase, that process. We are looking for the next step: where do we go to church now, where will we be after graduation, so on and so forth. Parts of this are draining, but most of it is really, really fun. We have “the world at our finger-tips” so to speak. I love where we are at in life and I love being in transition. There is a sort of excitement in not knowing what we will be doing in 6 months or a year.
I guess that could really be said for all of life. We really don’t know where we will be in 6 minutes or in 6 hours or in 6 years. Some people freak out about this type of thing. I am learning that I really am okay with being in process. Not just okay, but actually sort of loving it. ;)

Between the Trees

I heard a mini-sermon recently that has gotten me thinking about living between the trees. What trees am I referring to? You see, in the garden of Eden there was a tree. In the book of revelation there is a tree. We find ourselves sitting in the middle of these trees; waiting, hoping, dreaming, and living. We soak up knowledge and good and evil and all things in between (some we see and some remain unknown in the depths of our beings). Each day we make choices among the trees. We choose to live one way or another, doing one thing or another.
Slowly (and I mean slowly) I am learning what it means to find God in the everyday, in the somewhat mundane tasks of life. I aspire to take more time to sit; to listen; to experience God in everything and everyone around me. I heard a quote from the Talmud saying that every single blade of grass has its own angel clinging to it, whispering, "Grow, grow." Whether or not that is true, it is something to think about. God cares about each blade of grass, each gigantic Redwood tree, each cup of coffee, each person... the list goes on and on. My thoughts are somewhat scattered, but hopefully you catch what I am trying to say.
If you will, walk with me as I journey. Walk with me between the trees.

Absolution

For the past several days I have been really frustrated with myself. I have been feeling sinful; to put it bluntly. I have been acutely aware of the fact that I have had a terrible habit of speaking and then thinking. Last night, I confessed those things to my husband and a sacred thing happened; I received absolution. He looked me in the eyes and said, "Your sins are forgiven," and I felt at peace. Until recently I have never even really considered the necessity of absolution. But last night, I understood. Sometimes it just helps to hear you are forgiven from someone who genuinely means it. Not that redemption comes from that person or even that they have to be the one from whom forgiveness is sought; just that they let me know I am forgiven and I can live in that forgiveness. I cannot accurately express in words just what happened, but it was sacred and it was real.

All The Hype

I'm not going to lie; my heart lept a little bit inside when I received an email confirming that the book I reserved at the good ol' Gail Borden Library was in. The book, I must add, is Eclipse, by Stephenie Meyers. :) Don't hate me for my compulsiveness toward "all the hype." But really, I read the first book and loved it. The movie was overrated, the book was great.

Profession vs. Belief

Last night, Andy and I went with some friends of ours to see Dallas Willard speak at Wheaton College. For any of you that know Willard's works, he is a man of great intelligence. As he spoke last night, I (as were my friends) was struck by the fact that he didn't really say anything I hadn't heard before. He did, however, say "it" in a way I hadn't heard before. One of the things he talked about was the difference between profession and belief. Profession meaning, anyone can say anything and not truly believe it. Belief means, acting on what you think is truth. So, to act on my belief is different than simply professing that I believe. Easier said than done right?

Thinking

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately; and I mean a lot of thinking. It seems as though the last month or so, my brain is filled with introspective thoughts, complaints, questions, answers, and the like. Recently I have been really challenged in giving up what would normally be my "alone" time and/or my time alone with my husband in order that we might grow in deeper relationship with those around us. Overall, it has been a good experience but last night, it really got the best of me. I got so frustrated with the fact that I knew I wouldn't be able to spend any time (really just less time than I thought was ideal) with my husband for the next week because he has a crazy busy schedule. Then I was angry that we had spent all this time with all these different people and hadn't taken as much time for each other. I completely negated the enjoyable conversion, the laughter, and the further building of relationships that my husband and I had experienced. I also realized that I have been trying to give of my/our time on my own strength and out of my own volition. The result is anger towards my spouse, others, and mostly myself. What is the lesson? I must continue to trust in our Father who is all sufficient to supply all of my needs. He ALONE can fill those times where I am feeling neglected or lonely and also those times that I am feeling too overwhelmed or drained and just want to be alone.

Grandma

Sometimes I can barely believe it has been a whole year since my grandmother passed away. I have been thinking about her a lot this week, and today, on the one year memory of her death, I want to honor her. I want to be fearless like she was; never giving up and never letting down. I want to love like she did; selflessly and without hinderance. I want to smile like she did; with all the joy and happiness of someone that loves life. For today, I want to honor her. For the rest of life, I want to be like her. To my grandmother, I love you and I will never forget.

the Trumpet Child

the Trumpet Child
over the rhine

The trumpet child will blow his horn
Will blast the sky till it’s reborn
With Gabriel’s power and Satchmo’s grace
He will surprise the human race

The trumpet he will use to blow
Is being fashioned out of fire
The mouthpiece is a glowing coal
The bell a burst of wild desire

The trumpet child will riff on love
Thelonious notes from up above
He’ll improvise a kingdom come
Accompanied by a different drum

The trumpet child will banquet here
Until the lost are truly found
A thousand days, a thousand years
Nobody knows for sure how long

The rich forget about their gold
The meek and mild are strangely bold
A lion lies beside a lamb
And licks a murderer’s outstretched hand

The trumpet child will lift a glass
His bride now leaning in at last
His final aim to fill with joy
The earth that man all but destroyed

Learn to Love

I realized last night that life is too short. You are probably thinking, "Wow Jamie, you are a genius." But truly, I think that I came to a turning point in my life. I realized that life is just too short to spend it worrying about petty things. Now I, for one, will be the first person to tell you that those small, petty things usually seem like THE biggest issues in the world. Being too busy, too lazy, too pretty, not pretty enough, being successful or being a failure; the list could go on and on. But our lives are just too short. I need to be concerned with being a good wife, serving my husband and encouraging him to be a man of God. I need to be concerned with the poor; feeding orphans and widows. I need to be concerned with love. Lord, give me the grace to see people and hearts through your eyes and not my own. Help me to learn to love.

Not Another Tally Mark

It has been 5 days since I returned from Jamaica. For those of you who weren't aware, from Jan 2-9 I was in Jamaica with my mother and sister-in-law, aunt, and cousin, to work in an orphanage. Like I said, it has been 5 days since I returned and often I am wondering what to do with this experience. Where do I put it? I cannot bring myself to chalk this up as "a good learning experience" or as just one more trip to help those in need; there must be something more, some other reason.
I find myself thinking about the orphans; about what they are doing during the day, questioning if they experienced love from anyone today, and about how much I would love to rescue each one of them from their own personal hell on earth.
What do I do with what I have seen, heard, felt? What do I do with what I have not felt?
Continually, I will wrestle these thoughts, tossing and turning them, hoping that God will show me something; something about loving those orphans.