That Time of Year

It's that time of year again. Every grocery store and mall has them. Heck, I've even been one of them. It's that time of year again. It's bell-ringer season.

Does anyone else try to avoid eye contact and hurry into the store without having to interact with these saints of people? Do you try to pretend you are absolutely freezing and bury your face into your scarf so you can just get past them? Do you talk to your children and make them a false distraction? Do you just plain pretend they don't exist?

I am definitely guilty of doing most, if not all of these things. And I don't know why. The other day I pulled into the grocery store parking lot and thought, "Oh I'm just going to dig some change out of the console so I don't feel so bad walking past this poor man who I swear has been ringing this bell straight for the last oh, 10 days." I was stopped from digging out my nickels with this thought, "You know what? I am not going to give money out of guilt. I'm just not." It ended there. I did manage to ask the man on the way out if he was staying warm, like that really mattered.

So what is the answer? Even if I don't give money, is it still appropriate to strike up a short conversation with these faithful servants of the Salvation Army? Should I bring them a cup of coffee or hot cocoa? Should I just continue to walk past them and give the standard, "Sorry I don't have any change. ?"

When do we give and how do we give and what do we give? Any thoughts?

Good to the Last Drop?

Anyone else out there never completely finish their cup of coffee? Almost never do I drink every last bit of coffee in my cup. I attribute it mostly to the fact that by the time I get towards the bottom, the beverage is already to cool for my liking. ALSO, I hate it when I am at a restaurant drinking coffee and they keep filling my cup. I drink like two sips and they are already coming around for a warm up. One would think I would enjoy this, but after two sips, who is ready for a warm up? Not me. In a perfect world, the waitress would know at the precisely correct moment when my coffee has become too cool for consumption, thus giving me the much needed warm up. Of course I know that this perfect world will never exist, though I think Starbucks could make a valiant attempt at such a system. Thoughts anyone?

Ready or Not, Westmont here we come.

I finally feel like I am in a place where I can read something intelligent (I thought that day might never come again). I decided to start reading Frost and Hirsch's, Shaping of Things to Come. The sub-title is "innovation and mission for the 21st-century church." The line that I just read was something to the effect of "we don't want to provide another model for church, but rather a mode." I must say that I agree with what they are saying thus far. Churches can't all look the same. They have to be shaped by the cultural context of which they are a part. This has got me wondering, what on Earth is the cultural context of Westmont? We have only been a part of this community since the end of June (and I probably feel like less of a part just because I have been consumed by trying to figure out what the heck it means to be a mommy). But I have really started to wonder what our church will look like, in light of the Gospel and our cultural context. The group of us that are down here is somewhat homogeneous. A lot of us like art and coffee, are parents of young children, care about the environment (in varying degrees), love Jesus, and want to meet our community members where they are at instead of making them come to us. But do the people in Westmont like art and coffee? I know there are a lot of parents with young children, so that must be an interest of some sort :) A lot of people recycle. Ha. These are clearly just a few of the surface observations that I have made thus far. I know we are here for a purpose and that God has called us here for this specific season of our lives. I just don't quite know what that looks like yet. But I am okay with it. I know God will show us in His perfect time. Reading on to see just what else I can learn!!!

Victory!!! For today :)

Lydia is sleeping in her own crib during nap time and I couldn't be happier. I may have found the trick that helps her to do so; albeit after an hour of sleeping with me in the rocker. Not once, but twice today I have put her down in the crib, nestled in her Boppy and she has loved it. She slept for an hour during her morning nap and is just passing an hour now on her afternoon nap. For those of you who know, I have been trying to figure out how to get her to sleep in there during the day for quite some time. It might be only today, but hopefully it is a little trick that might ease her into sleeping better during the day. Ha. Life has changed from a year ago; that is for certain. I never thought I would be finding so much joy in the little tricks of motherhood. I also must add that I have really been cherishing the times I do have to rock her and snuggle her up. Soon enough she will be running around and probably won't sit still to snuggle very often. What a sweet little girl I have. Oh I love her so much!

New Normal

Lately I've found that when other people around me are having conversations, and those conversations don't have to do with something baby, I don't have much to add. Not only don't I have much to add, I sort of space out into my own little "mommy world." It's weird how being with a little human 24/7 sort of makes you forget about a lot of other things going on outside of our four walls. I've heard this is pretty common and that after about a year I will be "back to normal." Whatever that means. I'm pretty sure as of now I have acquired a new normal. More on this later.... Lydia is crying.

Things I Don't Want to Forget

So for the past month i have had a running tally of things in my head that I don't want to forget. My sweet girl is only so little for so little and I have to write these things down before they are gone from my memory forever :) (which could happen sooner than you think) So, in no particular order, here are a few things that have been mulling around in my head when I think about my Lydia.

- The way she hates to be woken up. She is a grunter in general, but when she is woken up before she wants to be, there is a fit of grunting that one would never think could come out of such a tiny human being.

- The grunting. Although it doesn't really seem all that amusing when we are trying to sleep at night, during the day it is so stinking cute.

- Crying. Rarely does she cry, but when she does, it is so sad and adorable all at the same time. When she really gets going (again rarely), her wide open mouth shows her tiny little gums and that wailing can be heard for miles. So sad, but oh so precious.

- I must document this.... currently she is sleeping and making little wimpering sounds. Adorable.

- I love when she is eating and she makes noises like it is the most nourishing and pleasurable thing in the world (which it probably is). She eats and swallows and makes noises like one would make when he or she gets am ice cold glass of water on a hot day. Oh so refreshing.

- She has a face that likens to that of Popeye. One eye closed and round little cheeks :)

- Stretching. Always she is stretching. Usually she has kicked out of her swaddle by the time she wakes up. I have to be creative if I want her to stay swaddled until her next middle of the night feeding.

- When she is awake, she is wide-eyed in wonder; alway taking in her surroundings.

- I love when she looks at my eyes. She just stares and stares. Oh she has completely captured my heart.

- She loves her daddy. Andy is so good with her and she loves spending time with him.

I am sure the list will go on and on. But for now, these are a few things I don't want to forget.

A Month Already!!!

My baby girl is one month old today! Consequently, her due date is tomorrow. Funny how we plan things that never turn out the just how we think they should. A week or so ago I was looking at my "list of things to do before baby comes." Ha. Life has a way of surprising us.
At this moment, my sweet girl is rest closely against me (with the help of the wonderful Moby carrier). I can feel every breath she takes and hear every little squeek. It is hard to believe that a month ago yesterday Andy and I were called into the hospital to have "more tests taken," which really meant, "We're going to try to induce you and get this baby out!" Looking back, Lydia and I were in a dangerous spot. My protein levels were through the roof as well as my blood pressure being too high for comfort. They told us I would have a c-section and although I had originally planned to have a natural birth, at this point it was not an option. I recall being so relieved that she would finally be here and that this dangerous part would be over very soon.
I don't remember much about all that happened in that 24- hour period, but I do remember hearing my baby cry for the first time. Those wails were music to my ears. I remember looking into Andy's eyes, both of us crying, and listening to our sweet little girl. I remember seeing her, fresh out of the womb, all bundled up and though not able to hold her, able to kiss her head and tell her I loved her, in person, for the very first time. After being away from her for an entire day, recovering from being various drugs, etc. I was able to finally sit up in a wheel chair and be taken to hold Lydia for the first time. A moment without words is all that can describe what it is like to have your first child put in your arms. A child that you have been dreaming of for so long, just wondering what she will look like, smell like, be like. And then she is here; just like that. It was amazing to meet the beautiful little girl God had created.
Over the next few days I would continue to recover and Lydia continued to grow stronger and stronger. We spent most of our time in the Special Care Nursery, holding and caring for our little girl. She passed all of her tests and was able to go home after just five days in the hospital.
We came into the hospital on a Monday evening and left on a Saturday evening. I remember finally laying down in bed on Saturday, being pretty much terrified of how to do anything. This baby was under our full care now, no nurses or doctors to help us along. Lydia slept well that night; going three hours between feedings. A good start to her first month of life in our new home.

Bloggable

It's not like I don't have anything to say, that I don't think about anything. It's just that I keep forgetting every time I think of something I should blog about. I think it has something (well almost everything) to do with being pregnant. I have a thought one moment and then the next it is completely gone; like it didn't even exist. Often I am driving to work and see something or think, "oh yeah, i should write a blog about that." Then, by the time I get home, a million and a half other thoughts have gone in and out of my consciousness and I no longer have a bloggable topic; I have mush head. So today, "here's to having a mush head."

And, as a further thought... if you would like to know, my baby now urinates about a pint a day. Fun factoid of the week.

Reflective

Often when I am home without Andy for the night, I get a mode (or mood) of reflection. I usually find myself thinking about the past, and looking toward the future. Tonight I watched a dvd that my students created for me when I left the church in California. It was crazy to see just how young I looked only a few years ago. I can't believe that it has already been 3 years since I was living out there. As I watched the video, I found myself so thankful for the time I did have and for everything that I learned. Also, I find myself so thankful for where I am now. I have an amazing husband who loves me more than I even understand, a great community, a baby girl on the way, and the hope of living some version of my dream of what community in Christ can really look like. I remember back on the days of Riverview Church with fondness, but look forward to the journey we find ourselves on now.

Every Blade of Grass

Andy and I spent this weekend at Wheaton's annual theology conference. We have gone to various sessions in the past but decided that this weekend would be one worth investing in. The title of the conference was, "Jesus, Paul and the People of God; A Theological Dialogue with N.T. Wright." For those of you that know my husband at all, you will know that he might have a little bit of a man crush on Bishop Wright (not to mention he really likes his theology). Knowing this myself, and hearing little bits and pieces about this theology of Jesus, Paul and the kingdom of God, I endeavored to read Wright's Surprised by Hope. Although I didn't get completely through the book before the conference, I was glad for what I had read and it helped in deciphering some of the lingo that was used over the past two days. As I listened to different speakers, and as I reflect on it now, I am beginning to like more of what I hear from Wright. However, upon opening my Bible this morning I realized that I may be going through a huge shift in all I have ever known.
I am realizing that the way I read Scripture is probably going to change. I no longer want to read it, seeking to understand only what I can glean for practical purposes today. The Word is so much more than that. It is a specific text, written for a specific people, with a specific purpose. I want to understand more of what that purpose was. Now, I am not saying that we can't take away anything from the text for practicality today, just that it isn't the whole point. Scripture is so much bigger than I ever understood it to be.
The same applies for how I view Jesus. I have thought about Jesus and have understood him to an extent. However, I am beginning to see that Jesus is so much more than who I have boxed him in to be. A truly historical Jesus is most likely nothing like the man that I have pictured in my own head. He is someone far better.
And then there is the view of the kingdom. I am only just begin to grasp what it means to talk about the kingdom of God; to understand what it means to talk about the kingdom being here now and to understand what it means to say that creation is being redeemed slowly, over time. I do know that creation is groaning out, crying because it knows things are not as they should be. One day, God's glory will consume the earth. Every blade of grass, every wave, every rock will radiate with the glory of the Lord. As I seek to understand more fully all of these things, I cling to the hope of God's glory, to the hope of redemption.

Two Things

Most days, my mind is consumed by one of two things: our baby and finding a job for Andy. For those of you who don't know, we have decided to pursue a path of bi-vocational ministry in a church in Westmont, IL. We find ourselves in a place of believing that our church's funds can be better used to share the love of Jesus with each other and the community around us, than by paying full-time pastors. This has left us with the task of finding a job for Andy that is not a full-time pastorate position (as we had originally planned at the beginning of seminary). We have found this task to be draining and quite defeating. Although we have only been searching for a couple of months, it seems like an eternity. With thousands of people out of work, it has proved to be almost impossible to get a job. We understand and trust that the God of the universe knows our needs and intends to fill them the way He sees fit, but my belly isn't getting any smaller and soon we will have to care for another little family member. We earnestly covet your prayers as we seek to remain faithful to the calling we have received.

Andrew James

I love my husband. He makes me smile (even in the morning) and makes me laugh when no one else can. He reaches into the depths of who I am and encourages me to be just that, who I am. He is gentle and kind, always seeking to love me rightly. Even when we argue, I see how much he loves me. He is my mirror, telling me I'm beautiful and loving every part of me. I can already tell what a good daddy he will be to our little girl. It makes me cry just thinking of how wonderful he will be at being a father. I don't have to worry about our baby girl not feeling loved or valued by daddy, because he already cherishes and loves her so much. It is truly hard to put in correct verbiage, just what Andy means to me or how we have grown in our love for one another. I know one thing; every day I fall deeper and harder for this man. My life is forever changed because of who he is and who we are together. I love him with all of my heart.

Outie or Innie

The other morning I was standing in front of the mirror and it occurred to me that quite potentially, as I become more pregnant, my innie might eventually become an outie (I am speaking about belly buttons of course). I've always liked having an innie and it really is sort of a shock to think about having an outie. Then the question becomes, will my new found outie go back to being an innie after I give birth? AND, what happens to a woman who already has an outie? Does it just go more out? All of these questions I am asking and so I have taken it upon myself to google this very topic. Here are my findings:

"The belly button is the scar of the connection of the umbilical cord. The deepest part of the belly button is tethered to the abdominal wall fascia. The shape of the belly button is from the overlying fat and skin with the deep attachment holding the typical "innie" shape. With the distension of the belly of pregnancy, the abdominal wall pushes out. This can change the shape of the belly button, for some more shallow and for others, "pop out." "In a distended stomach, the belly button expands. The belly button diameter is bigger. Belly button thicker walls become thinner. The umbilicus central depressed area spreads out. It is distorted like a feature of a balloon during inflation. For most pregnant belly buttons, this is a temporary situation that reverses after delivery. If the skin shrinks back to normal, the belly button typically reverts. For a small number of women, a weak deep belly button attachment can loosen leaving an "outie" after pregnancy." (taken from plasticsurgery4u.com)

Loud Noises

Being pregnant has made be ultra-sensitive to noise. Anything too loud and I absolutely freak out. Honestly, I can't tell you how many times I have been at work and had to grip the end of my desk in an effort not to fly off the handle about a person talking or even (if you can imagine) stapling too loudly. Then at home, I am constantly turning the television and/or music down. It has really become somewhat of a controlling thing. I wonder if this is a normal pregnancy experience or if it is manifesting itself in me alone. Strange, very strange.

I'm Not Saying It

It's hard to count how many times I have thought or said, "I really need to blog more," and then never followed through. This time, I won't say it. I most definitely will not say I need to do more blogging or writing, or whatever it is people do these days to process through the in's and out's of everyday life. Maybe all I need is a little reverse psychology to get myself in gear; not that I am saying I need to gear up for anything.