Climbing out of the Rubble

(December 2, 2013)

Today is the beginning of the week that ends in the 1 year anniversary of finding out that Jeremiah had a brain tumor.  Today, I have been so, so sad.  I honestly didn’t expect to feel this way, though I didn’t really know what to expect. 

In the days, weeks, and months after Jeremiah came home from the hospital, I don’t remember externally processing much (or internally for that matter).  It seems that I had to just keep going, just keep surviving.  There were many follow-up appointments, therapies to be scheduled, exercises to do, not to mention taking care of a 2.5 year old whose world has just been turned upside down for the last month.  Like I said, I had to keep surviving.  Well, It has now been a year and things have thankfully slowed down.  We still have doctor appointments, and therapy, and just recently have been slotted to be evaluated for orthotics for our little buddy.  But, I’m not in survival mode anymore and I think that may be why I am finally feeling. 

I had my fair share of sadness and anger and every other emotion under the sun during our stay in the hospital but those very raw, in the moment, not thought out emotions; it wasn’t because I was doing real processing, but because my heart had just been ripped out of my chest and handed to me.   Now, a year later, I can sit in my home, with my sweet babes sleeping (finally J) and think about what really happened.  Our Great God did a mighty miracle and so this season of advent I am hoping to have my own hope.  You see, last year, I couldn’t hope on my own.  I am so, incredibly thankful for the dear friends and family who encouraged us and had hope for us when we could not.  Those people, who God surrounded us with, stand with us today, loving us and praying for us, and helping us to continue to process through everything we have gone through in the last year.  Just prior to writing this entry in fact, I sent an email to the women so close to me to ask for prayer, that God would heal my heart during this advent season.  Advent ends when Jesus is born, when the people got to see the face of God in a baby boy.  Last year, our advent ended with seeing the face of God in a baby boy as well.  We took our sweet Jeremiah home on Christmas Eve, the very last day of advent. 

Throughout this week and probably through Christmas, I plan to try and process through what I am thinking and feeling.  In beginning to process all of this, I’m reminded of the Sara Groves song that starts out, “It’s been a hard year, and I’m climbing out of the rubble.”  Slowly, slowly I’m climbing out of the rubble and mess of this past year and moving towards what God would have for our family as we live into the healing and miracle of who Jeremiah is to our family and how we tell our story in a way that can bring hope and healing to those around us.